I feel as though I have slipped from the space/time continuum and I now exist in a period I should not. Nothing makes sense today, not the music, not the movies, not the culture, nothing. Back in my day you knew what was what. You knew what was good and what was bad, not like today where everything is shrouded in a murky goo of avarice and conjecture.
Movies today are just terrible. They lack any kind of reality to them. The Special Effects are all made by computers now, not even by people but honest to god computers. They are like cartoons that occasionally have and old action star, who incidentally looks like he is melting in most cases, pretend they are still young. It’s sickening. What are they acting against? A green screen? What is that anyway, did someone think that The Green Monster at Fenway Park was a great way to not have to make movies while making movies? I mean it, today they shoot (I can’t even say film anymore since it is all on those new fangled digital things) a well past retirement actor who was not really that great to start with and then they add cartoons around him. How is that a movie? Also, they are unrealistic in the way they tell the story today. An 80’s Cannon movie staring Chuck Norris kicking commie ass was how it really was, today they use all this “hacking” and wires and shit, it’s not realistic, Norris shooting a commie in the chest with a hip fired rocket, THAT is what really happened. Another thing about movies today is how long they are, 3 goddamn hours per movie in a trilogy? How large of a bladder do you think I have here? Maybe the youts (not a typo) of today can hold a soda in their kidneys for 3 hours, I can’t. At least when I was going to the movies if there was a long movie they had the courtesy of an intermission at the halfway point. Also, why so many movies (and hours) to tell a story that is only about fantasy fruits with fuzzy feet walking and falling down alot in order to return bad jewelry? That could have been done in one movie and I would not have had to pee as bad. There is also the problem of these movies today costing to much. You would think that having fake actors (made by a computer) would save you money, but somehow it makes it cost more… then I have to ask, why have the computer make you the actors when it’s just cheaper to hire real ones? Back in my day even when we had movies about computers they were real actors and hell even Bruce Boxleitner tried to make us think he was not real and made by a computer, but I knew it was just his lack of acting ability and not his method acting.
TV is far worse too. How can we have so many channels and there is nothing on? Sure there are lots of shows (technically) but nothing to watch. You can only watch some bad actors pretend to fight over storage lockers for so long before you realize they are just meth-heads with gambling problems and don’t yet comprehend they are not at a casino. They show these things for hours and hours a day in a marathon of not giving a shit at a network level. Also, with all of these real life shows out there, cameras everywhere and always being recorded, I started to wonder about something… do these people know they are even on TV or do they think they are just living in the United Kingdom minus all the faggy accents and with just a hint of patriarchy? I guess if I had a camera on me every day I would act like a dickhead too, but again, back in my day you acted like a dickhead in private where only your bruised wife (she walked into a door… again) could see you and things remained repressed until a shrink got one of your kids to spill. It’s all lies by the way, that fat little bastard is just jealous because I tried to turn him into a real man and not some prissy momma’s boy. In my day we played sports to hurt another person and to galvanize our superior skill by crushing the dreams of our opponents throughout all of childhood. Now, kids are all pampered and a goddamn social worker will haul you in simply for using unique and time tested methods to each your son about electrical conductivity… I told him to stick a fork into the light socket, he did and now he knows not to stick something metal into a electrical socket doesn’t he? But do I get any praise? Hell no, I get taken before a judge, a judge I might add who only became a real man after that time I held him down and forced him to watch me deflower his sister. You would think he would have appreciated seeing a real man show a crying girl of 15 a good time, but nope, somehow he RESENTED ME FOR THAT. Some people… what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, how TV has made us all into wimps. In my day we had real cartoons. You had a coyote using his brain in an attempt to devour and eat a bird. This is how nature works people, we were witnessing nature. That coyote would have succeeded too if that damn Acme company had not farmed all of their industries overseas to make that substandard equipment they shipped to that coyote. You know though, now that I think about it, those cartoons took place in Mexico didn’t they? Why didn’t the coyote just hire a crew of beaners to get him that bird? Today you have a homosexual demospongiae with an irregular bottom as a hero for kids? What can he teach you? How to kiss other boys? How to paint your nails? Know what we had as kids for cartoons to teach us to be men? We had a muscle bound prince that turned into a similarly more muscle bound warrior that punched skeletons in the face. Now that is manly, these little horses painted up like strumpets are not manly, in fact I suspect they writers might even be a little gay. All in all, TV was better in my day, men were men, women were playthings for the men and the bad guys always got shot in the face or thrown out of a plane, just like in real life.
Music today is just unbearable. It’s all wubs and woops and it’s just noise today. In my day you had hard hitting music played on out of tune guitars with “singers” that were just growling into a mic. That was music, full of lyrics objectifying woman and hailing our lord satan. What do you have today? Bands that talk about doing good in school and treating women as equals? It’s like the entire music industry has lost it’s way. What happened to good old fashioned songs about partying all night or how rock n roll could be used a weapon to scare blacks away from moving into good white neighborhoods*? Even the pop stars of today are inferior to the ones of my day. This Lady Gaga dude is all kinds of a Ziggy Stardust rip-off without the talent or the lust for women that Ziggy had… see in my day men dressed like women and that turned women on, you got laid when you looked like a chick and were in a band, today the androgyny of the pop stars is not to get pussy, now they are all just fags. It’s sickening.
Phones are something that in my youth were used when they needed to be to have a friends older brother pretend to be your dad and call you in sick to school or as a way to know where your woman was or was not, I mean if she said she was going to stay home and she does not answer the phone every 15 minutes when you call, then she is not to be trusted… harlot. Today these kids have those phones glued to their ears like something out of a borg initiation ritual. They are always touching their phone or doing something on it that is not talking on the phone. Why do they have phones if they don’t call people or use them to keep track of that cheating whore you used to date that you were too good for anyway and will learn what it means to tell you that you are too paranoid and controlling? Fucking bitch gets that judge to make me stay 500 feet from her, well that piece of paper doesn’t say I can’t track her every move and make her love me again**. Anyway the culture of today is made of weaklings and losers. It’s not right that tough people like me have to work for nerds that never dated in high school and played games about faeries and dragons with dice. Just because they are smart, successful and rich and have a wife they don’t need to track to make sure that lying cunt is not stepping out on them again… they think they are better than me. By what barometer, By… what… barometer?
Do you know why abortion should be illegal? Because if you bitches with the loose slits have the babies then they can grow up in those bad depressed neighborhoods we allow them to live in and then they can enlist in the military and learn to be a real man. After that they can fight overseas to protect American values WHICH IS PENANCE FOR THEIR MOMS BEING SLUTS WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO USE A CONDOM.
This country is also all pussified about guns these days. Guns are great, guns let you know that you are a real man. When you hold a gun it makes your dick hard and gives you an inflated sense of manhood, like a gun should and these deceiving ballbusters want to take that away. Why? Because some kids who were not fast enough to get out of the way of a guy shooting up a school got killed? Bullshit. Guns are what makes america AMERICA!!! Without guns darkies would rob us and we could not eliminate those people that keep taking out our ex-wives for dinner and to a motel. Now, they will get theirs, oh yes, my gun and I will make that dried up slankmeat love me again, that is what guns do, they make people do things they might not want to do. Guns are good, if we didn’t have guns then how would we stop the border from exploding like a pinata? Without unrestricted access to guns how would we vote the way that real men vote… with a bullet? Without guns we would not be AMERICA!!! THE GREATEST LAND IN THE WORLD AND THE LAND WHERE SOMEONE LIKE ME CAN BLAME ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ON SOMEONE ELSE AND STILL BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY?????
Tell me to shut the fuck up a firstname.lastname@example.org or contact Alex to fire me at email@example.com because goddamn this was a hard one to write.
Guys, satire is hard when you have to write against everything you actually feel. Next week a real article from me and not from fake me.